Guten Tag, y’all!
Let me tell you about something that happened to me a few weeks ago.
Now, if you’ve ever spent time in Alabama, particularly when the weather is warm, you’ll know that it’s chock full of disgusting creatures that fly, crawl, slither and climb. And I don’t like ‘em. Things that have happened to me:
–my brothers chased me slimy with earthworms.
–I accidentally touched (touched!) a lizard that I didn’t see chilling on our porch railing. F*cking camouflage.
–a moth the size of a hand perched beside my door and refused to move.
–somehow, a SNAKE got onto the second floor balcony of our apartment in Alabama (The Man wanted to keep it :/).
–a brown recluse spider crawled into the sorority house, climbed into my bed and bit me in my sleep, resulting in a 3-inch hole in my thy. From the poison that ATE my flesh.
I thought I had left all that behind when I moved to Germany. I was wrong.
A few weeks ago, I was driving the Babycakes to daycare. Imagine my horror when, halfway there, I spotted a bright green, long-tentacled
evil creature grasshopper clinging to my door, watching me through the window. Even though I was on a residential street, I tried speeding up, hoping that the air pressure would knock it off. No such luck. I thought about swerving from right to left, but I didn’t want to get arrested, so I drove on to the kindergarten.
When we got there, I sat in the car, semi-paralyzed. “Mommy,” called a gentle voice from the backseat, “you have to take the key out now.” Since it’s bad form to be a wuss in front of your kids, I jumped out faster than Usain Bolt, ran to the passenger side, and got the Babycakes out. The Creature crawled up onto my side view mirror and made itself comfortable.
When I came back out, the mirror was empty. I let out a very audible sigh of relief–until I saw it. The creature was sitting RIGHT. ON. TOP. OF. MY. DOOR. If I opened the door, the Creature would get exactly what it wanted–it would fall inside of my car and wait to attack me. So I did the only sensible thing to do–I ran over to the passenger side, quickly jumped in, then crawled over the console. Did I think about preserving my dignity? Yes, but the thought was fleeting. Shortly after starting the car, the Creature climed down onto my window and peered inside. I locked the door.
I drove home, giving my car random bursts of acceleration. Sometime during the ten-minute drive, the Creature disappeared. But I wasn’t fooled. He was probably on the roof, waiting to jump down into my hair. So I parked the car and sat, deciding weather I should get out on the passenger side or exit like a normal person. I decided on the first option. There was an elderly man walking by; I was waiting for him to pass so that I could finish the morning with a tiny shred of self respect. To my chagrin, he walked right up to my window.
“Good morning!” he said. I nodded. “Can you help me? I’m looking for building number 2. I see 13, 14, 15 and I see 8,9, 10 but…” At this point, it should be noted that I had not even considered letting the window down. I was waiting to see whether the Creature would jump down and land on the bald spot just above the man’s forehead. When it didn’t I rolled the window down–just a crack–and told him to try the white building on the right. Then I rolled it right back up.
After he left, I scanned my car’s reflection in the van parked next to me. When I didn’t see the Creature, I chided myself for being so silly (and for being rude to someone’s grandpa), then I hopped out of the car, on the driver’s side. I turned to check the roof out one last time and found myself inches away from the @*#!! Creature. Naturally, I screamed and ran out into the street.
And the Creature, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting…on the roof of my doggone Volkswagen. Ok, so it was gone after lunch, but still!
Any of y’all had a close encounter of the creepy crawly kind?